No more Majnus and Ranjhas...

Girls have two hearts!Being a girl myself and interacting with other girls as friends or colleagues in school, college and because of my past experience, I could only decipher that girls have two hearts, for their brain acts as a pseudo heart even, while taking critical decisions of their life.
Its true, they came so closer that they became synonyms to each other. You could find them sittin in the parks on benches or walkin arm in arm. He would ride his bike, racing it across the entire city with her. Dating, gifting, listening romantic numbers together and singing songs for each other was their life. They were in love...
Their relationship came unstuck. May be, it was just an infatuation or another affair of his or bare example of a perfect two-timing. All the b'ful memories of their love keep flashing her mind everytime. It was really difficult. She was hurt. Seconds, days, months and years passed on but his memories seems not to fade away. For years, she wallowed in self-pity. It seemed impossible for her to pull herself out of the quagmire. His memories would haunt her and leave her in tears.
Years passed by and one day, she decided to get goin and concentrate on her career with a renewed zeal. Today, sitting all alone in her car at a red light, listening the same song, she used to hear with him. She could very clearly see him holding a few carry bags with a woman cladded in blue saree(his favourite color) and within seconds, she noticed sindoor on her forehead. No emotion swept her heart and her mind went blank. With the green light she moved on. She could still hear their favourite song, which now is just like any other song.
You could grope many such stories around you. Its easy to get in and out of a rel'ship but to find an ideal man is difficult or is impossible.
Today's men just think of a woman as the one with Ash's beauty, Bipasha's ody plus Sushmita's brain. Having umpteen affairs is how men define their masculanity and two-timing is their style of living. After all, they come from Mars and have the licence to give lip-service to "I love you" any moment to any girl without knowing the real worth of it. They may dump a girl and have done this so many times earlier and can repeat this any number of times. So, beware, it is possible that your spirit is just creating illusion of love!
The fairer sex is such a species that could spoil all her life for somebody, who may have just blurted out the three sweet words "I love you" in a rush of the moment without meaning it and left her in tears for the entire life. So, I conclude that the modern love-stories are sans Majnus, Ranjhas and Farhads!!!

At the end of the day...what all I've got is one more question...

Its been quite long since I wrote my last blog ....During this one year's time I was busy with my last sem exams...then came to Pune...Did a lil struggle to get a job offcampus. Got a very nice job...n finally, one of my dreams came true...I started workin as a software engineer...Everythin seems to be the way I wanted...but somewhere, deep down in the core of my being, I am unstatisifed...If I sit face to face with myself and ask a few questions...then I come across the same answers..Yes, this is not the destination, the level I am at....I want to move further...I want to fly higher...There are plenty of things I want to achieve...I want a new perspective on life! But... what and how ?? and why can't I clearly figure things out??

Well...I keep on struggling with my strong emotions... but that's of no use...I know I was never this much confused...Confusion...regardin what? My carrer?? No...its my life which always bugs me! Am I happy? Yes, if I'll see it from the point of view of a career oriented girl...I don't hav any reason to sound so dull...I am into a gud job...After a year or two, I'll switch to some other company...higher salary...gud designation...I mean...everythin is fine...isn't it?

Is this all for me?? No...I want much more than this from my life....and I don't hav the option of sittin quiet and just hopin for everythin to be the way I always wanted...Life has to give me what I have longed for...but I don't know when...this is somethin on which I don't hav any control...This is what that makes me feel frustrated at times...Why can't I decide for myself?? Why can't I plan the order of how things happen in my life...

I know this won't lead me anywhere...I will keep on annoyin myself by askin these questions....I know what do I want from life...but this helplessness will kill me someday...Sometimes I think I should stop thinkin...havin a complex mind just adds into increased complexity in life...Why not to think like a normal girl....why not to go through the same stages of life of a normal girl...Study...Job...Marriage...children... Simple...huh? Why do I hav a typical way of thinkin...why can't I be like a normal girl...why do I need to be so matured...why?

Well...again...no answers...I know this time I don't hav any answer to these questions....

You were supposed to be mine...

Yesterday I was so happy and full of delight,
Tomorrow I'll be all alone in the night...
Yesterday's girl is all I'll be,
I'll be nothing but a memory...
Back to the life you say you must go,
A mask I shall wear so my pain will not show...
My heart says you love me and with me you'll stay,
My mind knows the stakes are too high,
A price you can't pay...

Our love will be lost as if from a roll of the dice,
To keep my dreams safe I'd pay any price...
There's a pain in my heart, you're not even gone,
Suddenly I feel sick inside... I don't know how to be alone...
My heart is bleeding, I'm so full of pain,
I knew the deal from the start, I have no one to blame.
My broken heart will mend, it's gonna take some time,
I don't know why it's not so...
You were supposed to be mine.........

FRIEND...

I've been a reserved girl since my childhood....may be this is the reason why I don hav many friends...n a best friend as such....A few days back one of my friends was tryin to tell me that may be I was not open to ppl n this became a reason for ppl to think that I am not interested in makin friends....But its nothin like that....Its not that I never gave it a try...I tried so many times to be friends with ppl..Infact durin this process of being friendly with ppl, I even ended up in a loss...I tried helpin ppl out even when I was aware of the fact that it wud be on the cost of my own loss...but then it never was a big matter for me....sply when it comes to a "Friend".....Well...anyway....this is not the only reason why I am now a bit away from this process of makin new friends....There r few other reasons...

Friendship is not just a normal ...casual relationship....Its all abt trust....understandin...This is how I think...n thus I was not able to make one such friend whom I cud trust that he/she will understand me...Yes, I agree, that I found so many gud friends till now....but still...when I was in need...no one was there to listen to me....Yes...few friends were there who had an impression that Sunayana is a cute...sweet..innocent girl...Until they had an impression that I am a "perfect" girl...they were always there for me...to hear me...to suggest me...But I always wanted my friend to be a person who can even tolerate me n listen to me when I am into my worst mood...when Sunayana seems to be an irritatin girl...I can also be childish...I can be rude at times...But when those friends came to know abt the bad part abt Sunayana...they became invisible....as if I had no existence in their lives...Those friends who used to say that "Day doesn't complete without talkin to u..."....started giving explanations that they hav their own life...n I shud understand that they cant keep givin me a lil attention even once or twice in a month....few among these were those whom I considered n trusted like a childhood friend....they cud hurt me even after knowin all this....So....this made me a bit insecured....

Few friends r there who consider me as a person who can be remembered when no other person is available to talk to....I remember one girl here who talks to me whenever her other friends r not reachable...She even tells this to me....n at that time I cud only smile at me...that Sunayana who used to be unavailable n ppl always tried to be friends with me...that Sunayana is now a time pass for almost every friend.....That importance is lost with my childhood...my student life....Well...Well...theres no use of cryin over past...

One thing that hurts is that ppl take me for granted...Maybe somewhere I am responsible for this thing....I've never shown attitude....I've been very open to my friends...I never had a tendency of hidin nethin with neone....I've been a very simple person who was always unable to understand the hidden facts behind a sentence havin double-meaning...n same is the thing with whatever I speak....I can never ever speak nethin that can contain some other meaning....This simplicity has always been considered as one disquality of my nature....Ppl infact misunderstood me instead of understandin the direct meaning of my words.... Sometimes I thot to change my self...I decided to be artful...cunning...or a person with a cosmetic face...May be this is somethin that makes u more comfortable with ppl in todays world....probably this is a necessity of today....But then I was not able to live my life with this artificiality....I was n I will always be Sunayana....

Ya sometimes I feel like an aloof person...very lonely....Sometimes I feel that there shud be someone with whom I can share everythin happenin with me....But then same insecurity makes me recall all the experiences i've had till now....that makes me stick on my decision of being my friend myself....I've been my gud friend till date...Whenever I was in need...I was cryin...n I needed a friend to talk to...I always talked to me...n suggested me whats rite n whats wrong...n I was happy to an extent...by being my friend....But still, sometimes u need someone who can shout on u when u r wrong...who can appreciate gud things in u....I, obviously, can't do this to myself....So theres always a void to be filled by a friend other than me, myself.....But as of now...I don hav gud experiences regardin friends...friendship.....

Well...a gud friends is somethin I'll always crave for...because I know I can never find someone who thinks the same way as I do...because I am very attentive and even innocent when it comes to being friend with someone....N ppl tend to be slefish now a days...selfish in the sense that they even hav many criteria for a person to be their friend...n if u aren't upto that level...u r rejected...So...I just do not fit into all these modern concepts of relationships...N i cant live upto such artificial expectations....So it is much better to be without a friend than havin such an artificial f'ship in my life....

But atlast I wud like to mention one thing here...though we can find many definitions of a friend and friendship...but in my simple words..a Friend is always someone very different... someone very close to u...Its not easy to be someone's friend n to fulfil ur friend's expectations...But if someone treats u his/her best friend...then never break the trust he/she has on u...its easy to be a lover but its much...much difficult to value a relationship named "FRIENDSHIP"......

Last night when i was thinking about all that happened to me in last few years ...i cudn't resist myself gettin back to those days when we were together....I was thinking about him...He is the first person whom I gave my sweetest "yes" , the first person who made me human, the first person who brought joy, laughter, pain & suffering to my life. The first person who made me feel wanted, and the first person who made me feel worthless. And after a long time, I can still remember how we habitually made phone calls to each other after every one or two hours break and untiring long talk during nights. How I love the way he compliments me, how he used to stare to my eyes, how he used to touch my hair and ask me to keep it long and shiny as it is. I loved everything about him as well, his smile, his eyes & how he made me feel.
I used to dream of having my first boyfriend to be my lifetime partner but he is the person who made me cry buckets of tears because of that dream that will never ever be come true and at that point of time I learned to close my door to the world.
He is the person who taught me that life isn't all about having fun; that there is more to life than endless phone calls, long walks, gifts, and yes, there is more life than love. That life doesn't end when love fades; that people walk in and out of your life and you can't do anything but accept it, because that's how life is..
And when I think about it, it just makes me smile to know that how pathetic I was when I was moaning over my lost love. I became better person because of him. All the things he taught me and all the memories I have of him are stored as a chapter of my life; one of the best chapters of my life that I will never ever forget--and I will always be thankful for that.....
I know what just happened was a sign, not of a second chance but that life is never about closing your doors to the world, that life is about being human, that it is all right to cry and to make mistakes, that it is just ok to fall in love over again as long as you know how to keep your dignity with you. And that however painful love can be, it is the only thing that makes us truly human..