FRIEND...

I've been a reserved girl since my childhood....may be this is the reason why I don hav many friends...n a best friend as such....A few days back one of my friends was tryin to tell me that may be I was not open to ppl n this became a reason for ppl to think that I am not interested in makin friends....But its nothin like that....Its not that I never gave it a try...I tried so many times to be friends with ppl..Infact durin this process of being friendly with ppl, I even ended up in a loss...I tried helpin ppl out even when I was aware of the fact that it wud be on the cost of my own loss...but then it never was a big matter for me....sply when it comes to a "Friend".....Well...anyway....this is not the only reason why I am now a bit away from this process of makin new friends....There r few other reasons...

Friendship is not just a normal ...casual relationship....Its all abt trust....understandin...This is how I think...n thus I was not able to make one such friend whom I cud trust that he/she will understand me...Yes, I agree, that I found so many gud friends till now....but still...when I was in need...no one was there to listen to me....Yes...few friends were there who had an impression that Sunayana is a cute...sweet..innocent girl...Until they had an impression that I am a "perfect" girl...they were always there for me...to hear me...to suggest me...But I always wanted my friend to be a person who can even tolerate me n listen to me when I am into my worst mood...when Sunayana seems to be an irritatin girl...I can also be childish...I can be rude at times...But when those friends came to know abt the bad part abt Sunayana...they became invisible....as if I had no existence in their lives...Those friends who used to say that "Day doesn't complete without talkin to u..."....started giving explanations that they hav their own life...n I shud understand that they cant keep givin me a lil attention even once or twice in a month....few among these were those whom I considered n trusted like a childhood friend....they cud hurt me even after knowin all this....So....this made me a bit insecured....

Few friends r there who consider me as a person who can be remembered when no other person is available to talk to....I remember one girl here who talks to me whenever her other friends r not reachable...She even tells this to me....n at that time I cud only smile at me...that Sunayana who used to be unavailable n ppl always tried to be friends with me...that Sunayana is now a time pass for almost every friend.....That importance is lost with my childhood...my student life....Well...Well...theres no use of cryin over past...

One thing that hurts is that ppl take me for granted...Maybe somewhere I am responsible for this thing....I've never shown attitude....I've been very open to my friends...I never had a tendency of hidin nethin with neone....I've been a very simple person who was always unable to understand the hidden facts behind a sentence havin double-meaning...n same is the thing with whatever I speak....I can never ever speak nethin that can contain some other meaning....This simplicity has always been considered as one disquality of my nature....Ppl infact misunderstood me instead of understandin the direct meaning of my words.... Sometimes I thot to change my self...I decided to be artful...cunning...or a person with a cosmetic face...May be this is somethin that makes u more comfortable with ppl in todays world....probably this is a necessity of today....But then I was not able to live my life with this artificiality....I was n I will always be Sunayana....

Ya sometimes I feel like an aloof person...very lonely....Sometimes I feel that there shud be someone with whom I can share everythin happenin with me....But then same insecurity makes me recall all the experiences i've had till now....that makes me stick on my decision of being my friend myself....I've been my gud friend till date...Whenever I was in need...I was cryin...n I needed a friend to talk to...I always talked to me...n suggested me whats rite n whats wrong...n I was happy to an extent...by being my friend....But still, sometimes u need someone who can shout on u when u r wrong...who can appreciate gud things in u....I, obviously, can't do this to myself....So theres always a void to be filled by a friend other than me, myself.....But as of now...I don hav gud experiences regardin friends...friendship.....

Well...a gud friends is somethin I'll always crave for...because I know I can never find someone who thinks the same way as I do...because I am very attentive and even innocent when it comes to being friend with someone....N ppl tend to be slefish now a days...selfish in the sense that they even hav many criteria for a person to be their friend...n if u aren't upto that level...u r rejected...So...I just do not fit into all these modern concepts of relationships...N i cant live upto such artificial expectations....So it is much better to be without a friend than havin such an artificial f'ship in my life....

But atlast I wud like to mention one thing here...though we can find many definitions of a friend and friendship...but in my simple words..a Friend is always someone very different... someone very close to u...Its not easy to be someone's friend n to fulfil ur friend's expectations...But if someone treats u his/her best friend...then never break the trust he/she has on u...its easy to be a lover but its much...much difficult to value a relationship named "FRIENDSHIP"......